Sunday, December 04, 2005

NCAA basketball players we just can't stand

(JW) - I have spent the last five years taking an enjoyment of college basketball into a freakish, somewhat scary love. As long as it is on T.V. I will watch, and enjoy nearly anyone playing anyone. It is easily evident that I live and die with my Jayhawks, that's obvious, but it has become more and more clear at the start of this year that I have an unhealthy hatred of a collection of players and former players. This came unmistakingly obvious as Nathan and I were casually watching Arizona in the Maui invitational and I would proceed to drop an f-bomb every time that no-game, constantly flexing for no-reason, always grimacing, sticking his chin out for no reason retard, Hassan Adams would show his face. Nathan on the other hand would spit similar venom everytime Zona's senior guard, a headband toting, lame-ass tatoo showing, geri- curl haired Chris Rodgers would make his way on the camera. It was after his wife got up and left the room in disgust during the obnoxious ranting that we realized that it may be possible that we have a problem with our animosity toward a certain crop of players. We decided that a more constructive way to vent our hatred was try to get some ideas down on paper and come up with a make-shift list of current players (and one former) that we absolutely despise. I hope we don't scare you:

Hassan Adams - (Nathan)

JW got his licks in during the intro, so I get to take mine here. Oh man. There's something about the way he struts around the court that just kills me. As if the cheesy goatee, the headband that's way too low over his eyes and his absolute inability to shoot from outside of four feet weren't enough, he flexes and screams at absolutely every opportunity and insists on shooting every time he touches the ball despite the fact he looks like mentally retarded YMCA All-Star while doing it. There is nobody in the country who shoots a worse percentage while thinking they are so good at it. Limbs flailing, mouth open in a primal scream and a beard that looks like a brillo pad attacked his face, Hassan Adams epitomizes the all attitude and no game asshat that we just can't stand. On the bright side, his insistance on jacking 20 shots a night is just ruining Arizona's season right now - the Houston chuckfest was humorous, to say the least. Hassan Adams is Darius Miles without the "pulling atennae out of my head because I'm an alien" stunt. Of course, the flexing and screaming are even worse.

Gerry McNamara - (JW)

Caveat being that it may not be him I hate, just the fans of his respective school, the whole "Scranton Pennsylvania" bullshit we always hear about, and the absolute knob-slobbing the media gives him for being a career 36% three point shooter. The guy has all of 2 big tourney games under his belt yet is consistently spoken of in the same light as marksmen like Salim Stoudamire and J.J. Redick when college shooting prowess is spoken of. His lame ass buzz cut, his propensity to chuck it from absolutely ANYWHERE on the floor at ANYTIME without even thinking about actually running offense as the teams acting point guard, and the mountain of tools I ran into in New Orleans a few years ago with #3 'Cuse jerseys with the name "G-Mac" on the back are much the cause of my hatred. These reasons alone should warrant someone punching this guy in the face.

Eric Devendorf - (Nathan)

JW, my wife and a couple of friends all came over to watch the McD's All-Star game this year - mostly to watch KU's 3 prospects in the game, but also to see what the future of college basketball would be. As the game went on, it was very clear that Gerald Green was by far the best player on the court, but this little tatted up punk of a point guard on his team insisted on throwing up a shot everytime he touched the ball - keeping Green from getting a chance to show off. This kid just oozed punkishness at an almost Wojo'esque level (if Wojo had had Cherokee Parks' tatts and a bad chinstrap beard), and he hadn't even played a single game in college yet. Fast forward a couple of months, and Syracuse is on my T.V and there is Devendorf again, combining with Gerry McNamarra as the backcourt with the worst shot selection in the country. There's nothing more unlikable than a PG who just refuses to pass and insists on shooting guarded 25 footers every time he touches the ball. Good luck to any Syracuse post player who actually expects to see the ball every once in a while, their only chance is to get an offensive rebound from one of Devendorf's 15 misses a game for the next 4 years. Yes, it's complete coincidence we chose two Syracuse guards, but this team is completely unlikable at the moment.

Chris Thomas - (special alumni exemption for JW)

A chucker to end all chuckers. I hate anyone who ever said anything good about this tool. Chris Thomas makes Zach Randolph look like John Stockton. This guy shot around 38% for his career, yet that never stopped him from playing chuck and duck offense every freaking time he touched the ball. This guy remained in the national spotlight because he scored 18 a game, but nobody ever noticed that it was often on an Allen Iverson-ish 7-20 from the field. He holds records for scoring and assists at N.D., the only problem is that he never won anything for them. He consistently had a smug ass grin on his face at all times, but never really showed any emotion outside of that. It was like he was eminating a "I don't really need to try at the college level cuz honestly........I'm just too good." Well, reality check douche bag, you weren't that good of a college player and guess what, I couldn't find you on any NBA roster. Maybe you should have left early for the league after your sophmore year, at least you would have notariaty when Dickie V. rants about kids who leave too early, cuz it looks like you are going to spend your life in some Eastern European league living in basketball obscurity. I hate you.

Lee Melchionni - (Nathan)

Memo to Mr. Melchionni - YOU AREN'T GOOD. Duke doesn't win because of anything you do, and your best ability is to jump up and hug whichever teammate of yours made a play. You are a glorified cheerleader, and your tired act of celebrating everyone of Redick's made baskets like you actually did something got old about 5 minutes after you stepped on campus in Durham. At some point in your life (approximately 30 seconds after your eligibility is over) you will have to go out on your own and actually do something yourself. Here's to betting you absolutely fail at whatever it is, unless you find a high school team who can hire you as a "celebration consultant". You epitomize everything that is unlikable about Duke, especially the unearned cockiness and self importance that sticks to everything related to Duke like stink on poop. I would never wish injury on anyone, but I would be lying if I said I won't laugh when Melchionni blows out his ACL leaping on Shelden Williams like some blonde version of Martin Gramatica.

Paul Davis - (JW)

How this tampon has been in under Tom Izzo's tutelage for over three years and still is quite possibly the softest big man in the NCAA's is beyond me. He's surrounded with tough, big gaurds like Shannon Brown and Maurice Ager and yet this highly skilled 6-11 center whines like a little girl at the slightest bit of adversity and wets himself at the mere thought of physical contact under the hoop. He takes games off, gets extraordinarily lazy, then throws an absolute shit fit when he doesn't get a touch every time down the court. He always has that look on his face like he is perpetually tired and confused like some fat kid who just walked a really long distance in 110 degree heat. Well I'm sure Coach Izzo's tired of trying to infuse toughness into a center who refuses to make us believe he actually has male genitalia. I'm also sure he's confused that he has easily the most skilled big man in the Big 10 and that player averaged a WHOPPING 12 and 8 last year against a conference who's second best big man might have been the equally maxi-pad soft James Augustine. If he was undersized, that'd be one thing, but at 6-11 270, there's no excuse to get pushed around the way this loafy douche does quite often. Wipe the bitchy look off your face, and for once play like you have a pair.


Blogger Dan said...

Uh-oh, you have some white guys in the list. You might get called racist like I did. ;-)

10:29 AM  

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